Wandering Shadow
Click here for My Journey (Journals), daily entries composed since 2003.
A memoir by Greg Jones
* Journal entries from 2003 to present date available upon request - WANDERING SHADOW
- a memoir by Greg Jones
(Public Edit Version, including the first 12 chapters)
PROLOGUE: FIRST STEPS
1975 - 1980
Most of us lead amazing lives. There are things that we have done that we are extremely proud of, and equally things that we have done that we wish had never come
to light, but all the while they have each played a significant part in our lives and moulded us into who we are today. We each have a story to tell. We can each pass our life experiences to one
another, and help others along their chosen path or at least ‘steer' them in the right direction. It is in those experiences that we learn more and more about ourselves. The way that we think and
act. What triggers our emotions. How we reach our goals. What makes us unique.
Throughout my lifetime I have learnt that some of us can actually become two ‘different' people. One is our physical self, while the other is our ‘shadow'. I
believe that our ‘shadows' come into play when we hide from who we are, for whatever reasons, and we detach ourselves from the human being we present to and are known as to the world. It is as
though we press a ‘pause' button that stops us interacting with other people and objects, we observe ourselves from a different camera angle and then ‘unpause' as an ‘alternate' character with
different moods and beliefs. (Gemini's, of which I am one, can easily relate to this). It is a state of mind where we do not have the will or strength to play our ‘character' due to a personal
fear, a deep reflection of a past event, the pressure of dealing with an overwhelming amount of stress at work or even to conquer the first steps of meeting someone new. There are a vast number
of reasons, each different to each person, which makes us step away and not be our ‘truer' selves when the time calls for it.
What you are about to read are some of my life experiences, of which I believe that you the reader will discover this 'shadow' theory and sense a higher level of
self-awareness on your own, and perhaps realize that you are not alone in how you act in given circumstances. You will soon see how we all at different times become our own ‘Wandering
Shadow'.
Firstly, let me introduce myself. My name is Gregory John Jones. I was born on the night of Saturday May 31st 1975 in the Fairfield District Hospital in Sydney,
Australia. I am the first of four children to my parents Garry & Brenda Jones (whom are now divorced). My Mother, Father and I lived together for the first few years of my life in the suburb
of Fairfield, a small suburb about 60kms southwest of Sydney.
At that early age it is understandable that I can not recollect a lot of detail but I would imagine that as being the first-born in a new family I would have been
pampered and well looked-after by both my parents, and along the way I would have been introduced to many people, namely neighbours, friends and family associated with us at that time. My younger
brother Darrin was born a few years later in the month of September 1978, and I would imagine that at that stage the attention would then have been primarily focused onto him.
Around the time that my younger brother was born we had an extra addition to the family in the form of a small, white and fluffy dog which was named ‘Sheley'.
‘Sheley' would have been the very first pet that I would have come into contact with and that would have been the first opportunity for me to learn all about animals close-up. Instantly I
developed a love for all things fluffy and cuddly, and that same love for animals has continued through and into my adulthood.
My mother had informed me (later in my life) that during my first few years I was a bit of a 'dare-devil' nudist when I was about 2 years old (around 1977). After
escaping from the bathroom and then strolling in to the yard outside I would then get into climbing the nearest fence, probably trying to escape the horror of being cleaned. After a few years of
living at the Fairfield address my family then moved to Macquarie Fields, a suburb that itself was not far away from Fairfield. This is the place where my autobiography really begins, because
this was the place where my first real vivid memory was created.
It came about when I was around 6 or 7 years of age, and I remember that my father had been trying to get me to ride a BMX bicycle that was likely to have been mine
at the time. There were training wheels still attached to it then and my father must have been trying on many occasions to get me to ride it without the training wheels on because when I did
eventually succeed he was truly ecstatic, and that is the earliest and one of the most happiest memories that I have from my childhood.
One of my closest friends and neighbour was Shaun O'Reilly. He was the eldest son of Beverley O'Reilly who my mother was good friends with when we lived there.
Shaun was a teenager then and at times I looked up to him as a bigger brother. I am sure that he was aware of the whole ‘trying to get me off the training wheels' scheme that my father had
started, and him knowing that I was rather nervous about the whole idea then told me 'everything would be fine' which injected some sense of confidence into me and literally put me on the bike
and 'down the road to success'. I vividly remember screaming out to my Dad as I rode around and around the cul-de-sac, ‘Look Dad, I'm riding the bike, quick Dad, look at me!' My father came out
of the house and looked at me with a mixed face of astonishment and pride. That made me feel so good. My Dad was proud of me, and at that moment I felt like I could conquer the world. Why I took
to heart the advice of a friend over advice from my father I do not know, but I appreciated then what a friend could mean to me.
The O'Reilly's became a second family to us for the short few years we lived at Macquarie Fields, and there were times when I would stay over on the weekends to
watch a few videos with Shaun's other brothers and sister, and make things like cubby houses out of blanket and cardboard boxes. We had a local ‘ghost' we created who was called ‘The Spaghetti
Man', which was a man... made out of spaghetti.
Around then my first sister arrived, Lee-Anne in the month of August 1980. I remember at that time Mum was away for what seemed like forever in the hospital while
Dad looked after my brother and I at home. Both parents were thrilled when Lee-anne was born, probably more so because she was their first daughter.
Mum was heavily into her Neil Diamond records also. She'd usually play them fairly loud around the mid-afternoon along with the distinctive smell of cooked dinner
like potatoes, vegetables and various meats wafting around the street, and thick in the house itself. It was a haunting mix of sound and flavours and another of the most vivid things that I have
taken from my younger years in Sydney. Mum also had an impressive collection of Walt Disney records, of which I took great delight in listening to. These were the very first songs that I grew to
love, such as ‘Just A Spoonful Of Sugar' and ‘Chim Chim Cheree'.
They were good times but not entirely innocent. I had my fair share of being sneaky and quickly learnt what was the right and wrong way to go about getting things.
In this case, chocolate biscuits. There was one time during the late hours of the night that I decided to sneak into the kitchen while everyone was asleep and take some well-hidden chocolate
biscuits from a jar that was placed up in a high shelf. This required me to climb on top of a benchtop to reach it, and as I did so I made a noise which woke Mum up, who then caught me with the
hand in the jar. Busted! I remember this so vividly because it was the very first time I felt the world on my shoulders and a huge dose of guilt. However, the cheeky behaviour didn't stop there.
I used to make mudballs (made from wet mud and sand) and throw them as high and as far as I could, hoping it would hit a neighbours' house or roof. But once again the good experiences and
activities far outweighed the bad ones.
Once the water main in our street burst, and it happened to be a hot summers' day, so all the kids in our street went out splashing around and making idiots of
themselves. The pure mayhem of it all thrilled me to bits, but the coolest thing about this was that the parents didn't mind their kids getting involved in it all. It kept them occupied I guess,
and that was when I realised that moments like this should be cherished. Not long after this, I took my first steps on my educational walk.
CHAPTER ONE: TYING UP SHOELACES 1981 - 1983
My schooling began at Curran Public School, which was about a 5 minute walk from my home at Macquarie Fields. My first class was KB, which stands for Kindergarten
Blue. From the very start I was 'expressive and confident in my language skills', and showed a big interest in reading books and socialising with other students. Outside of that all I remember
from Kindergarten was the dominance of the colour red, both inside and outside on everything including the classroom walls. The library was a place that I would feel at home in, and over my early
primary school years it became a place where I would gradually spend more and more of my time. A nerd in the making!
Year One saw me enter class 1 Red, with my teacher Mrs L.Muys. I improved in everything in leaps and bounds, according to my report cards. This included spelling
and listening as well as word recognition, comprehension, oral and problem solving skills. A quick learner. All that I remember from this time was the fact that I really loved going to school.
Not only to hang out with new friends I was making but to soak in as much information as possible. I still hold that learning value today.
Another memory was the fuss that Mum made over Australia winning the ‘Americas' Cup' when we watched it live on TV one day. Being a big historical win meant that it
would be talked about for many years to come, but I think Mum took the win more to heart back then than most people do who follow the major sports of today. It was one of the few times that I saw
Mum really ecstatic in a good way, which is why I remember it so well.
Lee-Anne (my sister) was involved in a road accident during this time involving a car which reversed dangerously and ran over her arm in our street. At the time it
was a horrific ordeal and everyone, including our close O'Reilly neighbours were upset with the news. I remember being at school one day and getting a message to go over Bev's (O'Reilly) place
after school to stay there until my father came to pick me up. I suspected that something big was going on. Bev then explained to me that Lee-Anne had been run over and that she was hurt and in
hospital. I don't remember much after that except that Lee-Anne had to get her nerves stitched up in her arm and that she ended up being fine afterwards.
1982 was also the year that I celebrated my 7th birthday, and I was going to have my first birthday party ever! Among the obvious people who were invited were some
other neighbours in our street, and my first best friend Brendan Braver. It was fantastic having all of this attention on the one day, and getting heaps of cool presents. I think it's one of
those things that every kid should experience in their childhood, to have a birthday party with heaps of their friends invited. As mentioned previously Brendan was my first best friend, and our
friendship revolved largely around the fact that we were in the same classes, lived close together and both had a good sense of humour.
2W was my class name for that year and my teacher was Mrs E.Roebuck. She was one of my all-time favourite teachers, and I quickly learnt the benefits of becoming
the 'teacher's pet' that year. I received a ton of encouragement from her, which boosted my self-esteem and made me feel as if I were part of a team. It felt like an awakening, and before I knew
it I was helping my teacher carry her class materials at school and then tying up my own shoelaces all by myself. I also had Mrs Owen (for Grade 3) but I don't remember her as much, probably
because she didn't make me feel as good about myself.
In 1983 my world changed quite a bit. Our family moved from Macquarie Fields to Narellan (which was about a 40 minute drive away) leaving behind the world that I
knew at Curran Public School, with all my neighbours, teachers, classmates and my best friend Brendan Braver. Still, to this date, I hate the fact that I lost a good friend this way. I don't
think I ever got the chance to explain to Brendan where I was going, or even why we were moving. It hurt, but I suspect that everyone can identify with a similar situation in their own life like
this. But now there was this new beginning ahead of me, what could it hold in the area of new friendships?
CHAPTER TWO: BRAVE NEW WORLD 1983
I was enrolled at Narellan Public School in the later half of 1983 shortly after we arrived at our new residence. A new beginning was ahead of me, new friends to
make, and here I would also find my first enemies. There was not enough time to get attached to any teacher during that year, so little is remembered of Mrs Owen, or Mrs Ludwig who were my
teachers there. It was a hard experience moving from school to school, however my report results showed a high to very high achievement in all fields of personal and social development,
recreational and academic areas.
That year was also a big year for venturing out as a family, one place in particular was Manly, in Sydney. It must have been my first real experience in a big city.
We took a Water Cat from Circular Quay to Manly and arrived next to a huge amusement centre, the first one I had ever seen. I was truly amazed at the concept of a 'fun parlour'. I loved the bendy
mirrors (that totally distort your figure), the head-swinging clowns (where you put ping-pong balls into their mouths and receive prizes from an accumulation of points), and the moving maze-walk.
At 8 years of age I was starting to look forward to getting out more and exploring the world around me. We went camping as a family at Sussex Inlet (further south of Sydney) and I remember the
sights, sounds and smells of the whole camping experience there; listening to the waves breaking nearby, different types of birds whistling, sausages and onions cooking on the barbeque plate and
getting sand everywhere inside our tents and clothes. We also made some good sand sculptures on the beach near the site. At the inlet there was a natural whirl-pool which Dad told me takes you
all the way out to sea if you happen to get caught in it. Wonderment set in.
CHAPTER THREE: THESE WONDER YEARS 1984 – 1985
Anyway that year rolled on by and before I knew it, it was 1984. My class name was 4S, and my teacher was Mr Smith. He was the one teacher who stuck out in my mind
the most when I remember teachers from my primary school years. He was very strict, but there was a deep loyalty that I had towards him that I hadn’t experienced with any other teacher
beforehand. He made me work to the very best of my abilities, and he expected only great results. From this I was extremely good in my results, but it was hard work.
As we were very active kids, I guess the teachers had to come up with ideas for some energy-zapping activities, for example we had regular exercise sessions in the
main courtyard, and found ourselves doing star jumps to the music of ‘Bette Davis Eyes’. I actually really enjoyed these exercises, including the later introduction of bush dances which included
‘The Drongo’. Dancing was fast becoming a favourite activity for me.
Another thing I remember in Grade 4 was the regular TV room activity of watching ‘Behind the News’ on the ABC every Tuesday at 11am. I fell in love with that time
of the day and looked forward everytime to sitting with my classmates and watching that program together.
Some friends were made in the 4th grade, friends who would stay friends right up until the first year of high school. Among them was a guy called Darren Thorn. He
was a joker, mucking up and cracking jokes at every opportunity. I knew him up until the end of Year 7, which is the first year of high school in New South Wales. Glen Eldridge was another mate
of mine, he lived not far from me and we’d usually hang out together on the weekends when I was granted permission from my parents. Another friend, Felicity King (the girl who ate clag glue as a
food source) had a mother who owned a cake shop in a shopping centre not far from our school. Bradley Collins, the big school bully, dacked me in front of the lunchtime crowd of kids in the
centre school courtyard, leaving me standing in disbelief as I showed all I had to the world. That was one of those moments when time stood still. Cameron Ditchburn was a quiet guy whom I
befriended for a while, mainly to be in with the cool guys there. Megan Sloan was my first real close female friend. David Baxter was another friend, who was also good friends with Darren Thorn,
and he became the school prefect.
Year 4 was also my first sports carnival year, and the bean-bag race was my favourite. We also went as a family to the Blue Mountains and saw the ‘Three Sisters’
whilst travelling on the scenic skyway. I also remember the steep train ride down the side of one of the mountains, and if it is still there I hope to revisit it one day.
We became good friends with our new neighbours, one being Tony Carr who lived by himself and proudly owned an immaculate garden. Darrin and I would be treated with
an aero-bar or an ice-cream on occasions. Mum got close to our neighbour on the other side, an elderly couple who owned a mulberry tree which I climbed and ate from, and got stained from several
times as well.
One of the things that I remember from our house in Queen Street were the two great big pine trees on the side of the front driveway. There would be many cones
dropped from the branches on to the ground and millions of pieces of pine straw lying everywhere. It always covered the entire driveway, and as time passed we started to call them ‘christmas
trees’.
1985, Mrs Ludwig was my teacher again, this time in class 5L. I began an interest in creative writing and eventually sent an entry into the school newsletter,
titled ‘The End Of The World’. It was included and was quite good. It was also a big year for my singing, which was also becoming a big interest to me. I joined the school choir and started
gaining favourable acceptance soon after, comments from other students and teachers boosted my confidence, leading to lunchtime rehearsals as I realised more of my potential in this area. I was
starting to wholly believe in myself, and learning to show off every bit of it as I knew this was only going to lead on to bigger and better things for me.
CHAPTER FOUR: PUBERTY BLUES 1986 – 1987
Grade 6S, with Mr Smith as teacher, and it being the final year in primary at Narellan Public School. There was the Grade 6 camp out near the blue mountains, lush
bush surroundings, camp fire and sporting activities, games of orientation, bunking with some of my closest mates, the camp food, breakfast, morning tea, lunch, dinner and supper! It was not only
a great time for myself but also for my family who got rid of me for a week. There was the ‘leech’ incident in which someone in our room had a leech attached to them, only to find out it was not
the case, so when a teacher eventually rocked up to our dorm we bluntly said ‘no, there is no leech’, so with the teacher walking away and me grabbing my shoes from outside the front door and
then realising that a black bulging leech had then attached itself to my hand, I yelled for the teacher who then took me straight to the kitchen. I was alarmed because I could not pull the damn
thing off, but with a little tap of white salt onto where the leech was sucking my insides out, it came off and I believe they destroyed it. I remember it vividly for the ‘scary factor’.
So after the excitement of camp 1986, then came a huge graduation night farewell at the Camden Community Hall, in which I took a big part in the choir, and was one
of the few boys there, in fact I may have been the only one there telling from photos taken then. I had a lead / duet role with ‘The Greatest Love Of All’, and we sang ‘We Are The
World’.
Then in front of hundreds of parents and families who came along, I had a brief starring moment in the spotlight kissing the cheek of our choir master, (I forget
her name), thanking her for all the work she had done to get the choir up and organised for the night. The audience wooed. It was one of those magic moments and my initial ‘15 minutes of
fame’. I earned the nickname of ‘Elf’ by the school bully Bradley Collins.
Kelly was born in February 1986, so now I had two sisters and a brother. Lee-Anne was involved with the local Physical Culture club down at the Narellan Community
Hall, and I remember Mum putting so much effort into dressing Lee-Anne up to look her best each time.
Joy Flight prize end of primary school, Camden Aerodrome.
So Primary School finished and I was enrolled at Elderslie High School, about 5 mins drive away from Narellan Public School to start in 1987 in Grade 7, the first
year of high school, and boy was I nervous! After spending some time during the Summer school holidays with activity groups based in the main hall at Elderslie High School, (these were holiday
groups for kids who wanted to get together and do things like talent quests, sports and field trips), it was then time for me to start a whole new ball game in my walk with education, High
School. New pressures for goals to meet, new friends etc, and the place was huge! Elderslie High was a multi-level learning complex. Well, it wasn’t long before I met my new classmates, some
following on from Narellan Public, which was a relief, but strange to be in a new uniform, and seeing those friends also in this ‘new’ uniform. My class was 7A3.
(This year was to be a significant part of my later years, because after 1987 we moved to Queensland, and after the serious friendships I made in this first year of
high school I never gained that same level of companionship again, and I would very often dream of being back at Elderslie High School with my friends).
They say you never have friends like you do when you are twelve. (‘Stand By Me’ -movie).
Some of the friends I made in 1987 were friends that carried through into my adulthood, namely my closest and longest friend Shannon Browning. It has now been 15
years that I have known him for, and that to me, is the loyalty and strength I need in every friendship, but Shannon has been the only one who has lasted the test of time. I also made some other
friends who I had had contact with in later years, one being Neil Wheaton. He is now married with 2, (maybe 3), kids. James Gillet, another close friend who in 1987 was my best friend, but
apparently now is a complete idiot. The four of us used to hang out at the Basketball Courts for lunch breaks and socialize there, as well as mucking around during class and being the kind of
close buddies that only are portrayed in movies like ‘Stand By Me’. I was complete then and had found the friends I had so desperately been looking for since I had moved from Macquarie
Fields.
I also enjoyed everything about High School, with the range of subjects exciting me the most. Apart from school, home life was interesting as well. I was committing
myself to new friendships with our neighbours, we had one neighbour named Dale Gordon who had an Atari system, (which at that time was an awesome thing to have), and at every chance I would try
to go over his house across the road and play games like Space Invaders and River Raid.
Mum bought a pedigree Persian cat and we called him ‘Timmy’. He was a crème coloured kitten and we absolutely adored him. He shared many adventures with us until he
died back in 1999/2000, (more about ‘Timmy’ later on).
Sometime either during late 1986 or 1987 we travelled on a holiday up to Queensland, going sightseeing on Stradbroke Island, swimming for a day at a Water Park,
(which has been demolished and replaced with the Logan Hyperdome Shopping Centre) and also going to Sea World on the Gold Coast. I vividly remember crossing the NSW/QLD border and straight away
feeling a huge heatwave over everything. At first I thought it was my imagination, but after stopping at Hungry Jacks at Springwood for dinner and seriously struggling to see anything because my
eyes were watering too much from the glare of the sun, I thought otherwise that Queensland was an entirely different place compared to home in New South Wales. But apart from that we had a great
time in Queensland and enjoyed our stay with Aunty Colleen and family.
Aunty Colleen lived in Woodridge, in a two storey house with a pool in the backyard. I always enjoyed the company of my cousins Peter and Steven, particularly Peter
because we were around the same age, and we also had similar interests like Lego, Star Wars figurines and computer games, (at the time he had a Commodore 64 computer system with games formatted
on cassette tape, ah the old days!). We also had frequent swims in the pool because we were forever adjusting to the heat.
CHAPTER FIVE: HEARTS AND HAMMERS 1988
During the Summer school holidays of 1987, the family made a decision to leave Narellan, and New South Wales altogether and head for the Sunshine State of
Queensland to live, staying with Aunty Colleen until we found a house to move in to.
1988, the Australian Bicentenary Year. Still in the middle of the Summer holiday season and knowing that soon I would be leaving for Queensland, I was desperate to
see James, Shannon and Neil to let them know that I was leaving and arrange some kind of correspondence with them. I knew this situation well because it was just as devastating as the move to
Narellan from Macquarie Fields, and I would lose friends who I had worked so hard to establish and start all over again.
One day I went against my parents’ will and rode my bike from Narellan all the way to Camden which was about a 15 minute drive away, for me about a 45 minute ride
from home to see my friends out of desperation because I did not have their phone numbers and did not want to just abandon them come the New Year at High School with no news of where I was at. I
managed to make it to James’ house and spent some time with him, it was hard and he thought it sucked as well, then I rode up the street to Shannon’s house not far away and to this day I am not
sure if I actually spoke to him or not. I guess that is something I should bring up in conversation with him next time I speak with him.
When I rode back home, as it was getting dark in the afternoon, I was busted big time from Mum and Dad who I must have told what I had done. They thought it was way
too dangerous riding that far away, which back then was a big distance for me but now it would be nothing short of a good walk. I did not get to see Neil who was living out at Bringelly at the
time.
The day we moved from NSW to QLD I will never forget. It was the day of the year when we should have been either in Sydney itself or sitting in front of the box
watching TV. January 26th, Australia Day 1988. We actually drove past Sydney as the First Fleet replica’s came into Sydney Harbour, and the biggest celebrations were under way in the city. It was
a historic day, but we missed it altogether.
I remember the endless fields of sugar cane stretching into the horizon as we drove closer and closer towards Brisbane. That and ‘Whispering Jack’, and ‘Graceland’
playing on the tape player in the car. There was also another thing I remember, and it was a terrifying incident late at night. Pitch black night on the highway, hardly any other car in sight,
and just the white lines on the road to guide us between the dense bush and cane fields on either sides of the road. Two red eyes suddenly came up ahead, like demons’ eyes, and we drove past
them, Dad stopping the car a little further ahead to see if he hit something on the front of the car. I remember everyone who was asleep woke up and after I told them about the ‘eyes’ we all
looked back and were terrified that those eyes would come back at any moment, so we were telling Dad to get back in the car and take off as quick as he could. Was it a cow, a wolf or something
else? Back then it was absolutely scary, but now it is funny.
Arriving at Aunty Colleens’ we stayed there until Mum and Dad found a house at Kingston. During the time we were at Springwood with our Aunt, I attended High School
for the first half of the year at Springwood State High School, in Grade 8. It was also a rare thing that I was at the same High School as Peter and Steven, and I enjoyed the short period of time
I was there.
We then moved to 12 Caesar Street Kingston, to a neighbourhood of laid-back people living just above the poverty line it seemed, with my first memory there of a
dead cane-toad hanging on the end of a fishing line that was attached to the power line on the street just in front of our house. I was enrolled at Kingston State High School mid-way through
Grade 8, so I was the new kid and had to start making friends from scratch again.
I made a few friends at first, but none were of the same quality I had back in Sydney. I turned most of my attention to subjects in the arts, namely Speech and
Drama, Music and Art, and succeeded in getting High and Very High marks on my report card.
Kingston was not the best of areas to live in, it wasn’t classy in any way, but it was home non-the-less. I made friends with neighbour and fellow school-mate Jason
Sullivan, and at times we needed each other for company when school was finished and there was nothing to do in the street, but it was not a real friendship.
Aunty Colleen and family moved in with us while they looked for a new home, living downstairs on the ground level of our two-storey house, which was painted in a
light ‘smurf’ blue.
I also became good friends with Justeen McGrath, our next-door neighbour, she was a few years younger than me but mature for her age. She got along very well with
Lee-Anne, who was into reading more and more books. Justeen was in some way a role model for her as well, kinda like a bigger sister. Justeen was into New Kids On The Block and Paula Abdul who
were big artists at that time, and she also composed dance movements to that music as a hobby.
CHAPTER SIX: CONNECTING THE DOTS 1989 – 1990
1989 saw Kris Adams come on the scene as my best friend, he was a guy good at song writing and graphic art, wanting to get a band together, and generally being very
creative in most areas, and I admired that. Coming from Melbourne originally, he didn’t have a lot of friends to start off with but soon he became popular when he dated who we considered the
funniest girl in our grade, Aine Convery from Ireland. First name pronounced ‘Onya’. Kris was also good at conversation with me and I think above all actually wanted to be close friends with me,
but as with previous friendships it didn’t last for long and we lost the friendship, (much to my attempts of rekindling it), at the start of Year 11 in 1991. 1989 also saw me making strong bonds
with Speech and Drama, as it was becoming an escapism tool for continuing troubles at home with neglect, and at school where I just wasn’t fitting in as well as I wanted to. Mum and Dad did not
really approve of my successes in Theatre and Speech & Drama over the years I studied it at High School, even though I was achieving High and Very High distinctions. I brought that down to
the fact that they did not think I had a future in it, but it was actually enabling me to build up my confidence and self-esteem. I found that my parents attention was always focused on Lee-Anne
predominantly, then Darrin and Kelly. That was eating at me for a long time.
In 1989 I took up playing an instrument, starting with the clarinet, but, after hearing a friend play the saxophone, which for me was more of a raw instrument, I
turned and fell in love with the alto saxophone, quickly signing up for one and then taking it all the way through to Year 12. It was hard to return it back to the school after 4 years of playing
it in the school band and other venues.
1990 saw me make another close friend, Shannon Barnes, he was another very talented young guy, extremely talented on the piano, in fact he wrote his own music and
performed it at our annual Awards Nights, and of course he played the saxophone, which was huge encouragement for myself. Yep, Shannon was a huge talent and he was going places for sure. It is my
understanding that he now works as a music teacher at a university, and he’s only about 23 this year (2001)! So he went places.
I was still having regular nightmares and dreams of being with my friends in Sydney, and it was during 1990 that I made contact with one of them again, Neil
Wheaton. We kept, or I should say, I kept in regular contact with Neil, spending most of my money on buying phone cards and then walking up to a phone box once a week during the early night to
call him. I looked forward to that because I was linked to my past in some strange way, and for the time I spent on the phone, everything was alright. It was an issue for me then to feel liked
and accepted, mainly because there was little to no connection at home. I often felt the wise and intelligent one at home because I was so in tune with how things were happening and proceeding,
Lee-Anne offered the only comfort at times because she was on the closest mental level with me. That also changed over time.
During 1990 the family went for a trip to Fraser Island, the largest sand-island in the world (apparently at the time). Most of the trip was taken with a group in a
series of 4WD’s along the beach and also into the heart of the island. There were wooden walkways winding through mangroves and natural watering holes all along the island. Darrin and I tackled a
huge sand hill by running all the way to the top of it and then sliding, falling or any other way to travel down to the bottom (mind you, taking in a mouthful of sand along the way).
After making contact with Neil, something clicked within me to contact James and see what was happening with him. I spoke to James a few times but he showed no
interest and that chance quickly died for a refixed friendship. It was some time after that that I contacted Shannon, and since then I have never looked back. Shannon and I have been friends
through and through, and I think he is the real deal, which is why I regard him as my best friend.
1990 also saw my first attempt at being in a musical, our school musical ‘Pollies’ played over three nights, and after constant rehearsal and the thrill of being on
stage performing in front of an audience, the time came. Although I had a small part, I still felt great being on stage. I played the part of a German Ambassador and absolutely loved dressing up
in Army Military Gear with an eye-glass and leather hat. It was awesome except for the fact that Mum and Dad showed very little interest again, and I’m not sure if they even turned up for several
performances, but I do remember that it was packed house, and the cast had a memorable time, lots of laughs, particularly when Aine Convery dressed up in a loggers uniform putting socks down her
front to resemble a well-hung guy. The ‘hippies’ really tripped very well, and it all blended together making my impressions of theatre more close to heart.
I also attempted to do some song writing, starting with lyrics first. Kris was encouragement because he really liked my writing and creativity, and I thought vice
versa with him. So the creative juices were starting to come through.
1990 also saw me get more involved with things like council, the Logan City Junior Council, when I became Junior Council Alderman of Kingston, which was run via
Kingston State High School. I was mainly there eating biscuits and drinking coffee, and every now and then putting in notes and writing minutes, but for that year nothing much happened in the way
of the council.
The Talent Quest was another platform for me to perform in, so I made a commitment every year to get involved in that, whether it was song or dance, or even at one
time, comedic stand-up. Yes it failed, and I said to myself that I ‘aint gonna do that again’! The one line I remember from that comedic stand-up routine was telling the crowd to meet my new
friend ‘Mike’, which was in actual fact the microphone. Mmm.
CHAPTER SEVEN: STANDING ALONE 1991 – 1992
It was in 1991 that my world changed again, in so many ways. With Mum and Dad distancing themselves further away from me not only in support but also financially, I
clung on to my escapism in Theatre, Music and Art. It was by saying that I had ideas for recording my first song and then saying that I was getting material together to Kris, and then just saying
that because I was desperate for attention, that Kris lost faith in me and threw away his friendship. It was a stupid mistake that I made in the aim to impress a friend that in turn caused the
loss of it. No matter how hard I tried to rebuild trust, he never gave me another chance and instead made other friends and made me feel jealous by deliberately taunting me at times because he
knew I wanted so badly to be friends again. It became a game that tested me psychologically. I spent more time thinking and concentrating on finer details of creativity to escape. I was feeling
trapped.
Although I was again in the Logan City Junior Council, treasurer of the school council, getting involved in Talent Quests, school karaoke competitions and soiree
nights, I was still lonely and feeling rejected. But a good turn of luck fell in my way when work experience came up at the end of the school year, I landed the best possible work experience job,
working at Dreamworld, one of the biggest theme parks on the Gold Coast.
Dreamworld was fantastic and led onto bigger and better things. Firstly I worked in the Kodak Photographic studio, then after suggestions went into the Merchandise
Department, dressed up as a clown, (becoming my alto-ego ‘Junior’ The Clown), and roamed the park entertaining and selling balloons. There was also a time I dressed up as a convict for ‘Dunk The
Convict’ in Gold Rush Country, and even got dunked by TV stars walking through the park for holiday’s promotional purposes. But it was when the Coca-Cola Australian Music Awards came to
Dreamworld that I really got excited when a photographer from the Who magazine approached me as I was in my clown costume to get photo’s with stars who were arriving, including Nathan Cavaleri,
(who sat on my knee!), John Paul Young, Jon Bon Jovi, Kate Ceberano, John Farnham etc. A very big moment in my life.
It was late 1991 that Michael Jackson released his first single, ‘Black Or White’ from his album ‘Dangerous’, and I remember the hype that followed at that time,
everyone was excited by the return of Michael Jackson, and anticipating some new magic. ‘Black or White’ was to be aired at prime time alongside with radio play as well, I remember Dad putting on
the TV and Radio when it aired and his new song blasting through the street. It was an awesome moment, and we were all blown away by the special effects in the music clip as well, talking about
it over the next few days at school. Many millions of people worldwide tuned in for that one music clip.
A touch of multiculturalism came into my life during Grade 11, I befriended a foreign-exchange student from Germany, her name was Rebecca Darby. Rebecca was the
typical pure white-skinned, dark-red-lipstick looking Cure-loving fan who found it easy to communicate with me because I had a genuine concern that she wouldn’t fit in with many other people
because of her limited English-language knowledge and the fact that she stood out because of her looks. We became close friends, often exchanged poetry and talked in depth between classes. When
it came to the time of the senior prom (for the Grade 12’s of that year, remember I was in Grade 11 at this time) I even took her as my date so that she could experience what a prom was like. It
was held in the very last part of the year at the Mayfair Crest in the city and went until late into the night with great food and dancing. All of this is on a video that I have a copy of for
reference. Rebecca thoroughly enjoyed the evening as did I, even though I stayed at a friend’s place for the after-prom party and slept in the rented tuxedo that I had on. Came back walking home
past the Kingston train station the following morning wearing someone else’s tracksuit pants and feeling rather silly not only by the way I looked but also by the way I felt, last night’s dinner
and drink didn’t go down too well.
A good friend from my older days at Elderslie High School in Sydney, Neil Wheaton, came up with his family in 1991 and I went out for two days with them, one at
Warner Bros Movieworld and the other at Wet’n’Wild Water Park. It was great to finally meet up with Neil; even if I created a little trouble by accidentally turning up late at Movieworld and
making his family wait for me to arrive. Ouch!
Then came 1992, the final year of High School, and I planned to do everything I could and get involved in as much as possible for my last fling at school. I became
a Prefect, involved with the school council again, Talent Quest, and Musical Productions for Theatre, the works. I even helped start the Senior Vocal Group, and we performed ‘Hit The Road Jack’
on the Awards Night. Every Monday morning I did a school Arts report in front of the whole school during assembly. School Captains Dominic Barnes and Suzanne Lee and the Prefects got together and
we did a cat-walk presentation of the school uniform to promote it better through the school during assembly, my part went very well because I was a natural show-off with the girls as we spun and
twisted at the end and in the middle of the cat-walk. We had a school leaders camp at the start of the year, where it was I do not remember, but I enjoyed the insight into the way leadership
works.
1992 also saw me solidify my friendship with Shannon Barnes a little more, we both realised that I was on my way out and time was slipping by real quick. Kris still
haunted me because I was hoping that he’d realise it was all going to end and that he would make amends to everything but it didn’t happen. One thing I regret is not going to my own formal night.
I was too hurt by not being as accepted as I needed to be that I went down to Sydney and stayed with Neil and Tanya who were having their engagement party that I was invited to, and actually DJ’d
for them. I had the formal in the back of my mind but I thought that no-one would really miss me and it would have been real awkward for me to attend anyway, but that is something I will never
know. That was one mistake I ask others not to make. Sydney was a good escape however, I got the chance to quickly see Narellan when we went out that way, plus I got to get to know Neil a bit
better. Tanya rocked and I enjoyed her company very much.
Making it back to Brisbane, (the bus ride was very tiring I have to say), I was hoping to make it in time to the Senior Breakfast because of the guilt I was feeling
from not going to the formal, and it was the very last chance to see everyone before they went their own way, but I was too late and arrived when everyone had left. I was reaping the rewards of
the stupid decision that I had made, but that was life and I had to deal with it as best I could.
CHAPTER EIGHT: BEYOND THE SCHOOL FENCE
1993 – 1995
And so ended my High School life. I didn’t do too well in the OP test, I got a score of 20, we were also the first year to go through with this new system and
apparently we all didn’t do too well. So I didn’t get into University, but I had the school holiday work at Dreamworld which continued for each school holiday through to 1993. I enjoyed it a lot,
being paid to walk around the theme park selling balloons but putting on a show at the same time, what an honour!
1993 was mainly involved with Dreamworld, in-between holidays I looked for extra work, but didn’t find any. I don’t remember anything in particular that happened in
1993.
1994 saw the family move once again from Kingston and then to Marsden which was about a 15 minute drive away from where we were. We had to temporarily rent a
property there until the new house was built, and during that time I landed a new job at Spic’N’Span Garden Sheds (alongside my old school friend Jason Sullivan), which is located in the Kingston
Industrial Estate which was about a 20 minute walk from the rented property at Marsden. It involved constructing Garden and Garage Sheds, cutting sheets of metal and packaging everything ready
for shipping. It was exhausting work and one thing I remember vividly was the heat, the uniform we wore attracted heat and really did not ‘breathe’.
When the house was built we moved in to 79 Macarthy Road Marsden, and it was a great house. 4 bedrooms, 1 converted inside a side garage. We had an in-ground pool,
paved verandah out the back and nice gardens. Yep, the Jones family were moving up in style, a huge jump from the house out at Kingston. The best thing was that there were shops just down the
road, a public school for Kelly and buses running on the hour to Browns Plains and Woodridge.
Kelly’s Birthday. Family photo session at her school. Family picnic Sandgate Xmas Eve 1995.
I left my job at Spic’N’Span for a position at a new pizza shop to be built at the shopping centre just down the road from where we lived. Great, a local job! I
started work at Arnold’s Ribs & Pizza part-time in-shop, taking orders and readying deliveries for our drivers. During that time I met Kayleen, (I forget her last name), who also worked at
Arnold’s. For some reason I thought it was a good opportunity to try for a girlfriend, and it was for all the wrong reasons. Firstly because I was not totally sexually comfortable but mainly
because I was trying to impress other people by getting into a relationship and starting my life with someone. Anyway the friendship started and continued into further developments of which I
will talk about a little further on. Darrin also got a job there for a little while, and I was happily employed there for a few months until I came across a newspaper advertisement for a new
McDonald’s store to be built in another part of Marsden. They were looking for full-time and part-time employees so I thought great, I will go for full-time and earn a lot more money than at the
pizza shop, so in March 1995 I started what would be a long and exhausting term with McDonald’s.
It all began with the opening shifts at the store, 5am starts which meant I had to get up around 4am but I finished around 11am most times. I became a highly valued
crew person, working difficult shifts and handling everything very well, even taking charge of birthday parties held there. The year went by very quick because of how much time I spent at work. I
found out by accident that Kayleen also got a job at McDonald’s doing later shifts at night, and our friendship was soon blossoming on into something deeper, which led to us making a decision to
move out together into a flat nearby. So I moved from Mum and Dad’s house into a two-storey flat near work with Kayleen, and of course over time we realised each other’s faults and she moved out,
leaving me alone and paying $115 a week in rent.
During the time that Kayleen and I were together Shannon drove up from Sydney to visit me. I remember this for two vivid reasons, firstly being that his right arm
was badly sun-burnt from the straight drive from Sydney to our flat in Marsden and I just couldn’t believe the effort that he had put in to drive that distance in one hit, and secondly that over
the time that he had stayed with us (which I think were a few days or up to one week) he developed an attraction to Kayleen herself. That spun me out, but he was heterosexual and I guess it had
to be expected, even if I was making out at the time that I was somewhat attached to her myself.
The decision to split came about mainly due to the fact that she was playing hard to get but also wanted me to get sexually involved to some extent, but also
realising that I did not want to have sex with her, and there was unnecessary tension created also when she met up with a guy from her course at Yeronga Tafe and brought him home deliberately
making me feel uncomfortable. In other words, she was showing off.
CHAPTER NINE: MURKY WATERS 1996 – 1997
So here I was alone to keep a two-storey flat, somehow I managed on the limited wage I pulled in with food and rent, then I eventually bought some furniture for
myself with some help from Mum and Dad.
I met a few guys during the time I lived there alone, exploring my sexuality and concentrating more on my own personal development. One guy I met was David
Hannafin, he was supportive and funny and eventually he spent more and more time staying over at my place. We also went along together to my first real concert, and boy it was the best thing I
had ever experienced, Michael Jackson HIStory Tour at ANZ stadium at the end of 1996. It totally blew me away that I was about 100 metres away from a living legend, the music was pumping, the
audience was screaming, I was flabbergasted. David and I were close friends until it became ‘icky’ as with most friends I have and the communication and interest ceased to exist.
I also bought two rats named Kristen and Lucas to keep me entertained, which I later had to release because I had to move again. I also rented a TV and video from
Radio Rentals to keep me from pulling my hair out. Talking about hair, I lost a lot of it around this time, and started to aggressively show the signs of ageing, brought on by constant fighting
between Mum and Dad at home and the stress associated with running the family after Mum moved temporarily into my flat, I left the flat and temporarily stayed with Dad at the family home. I got
sick, both physically and mentally due to organising things between them both because they were not speaking to each other. The family was showing cracks, and this would eventually lead to both
of them separating and divorcing in the coming years.
After some time they started to mend things back together when Dad visited Mum at my flat, and they talked and worked things out. I moved back into my flat and Mum
moved out into the family home again. Things went peachy for a little while, and at the end of my lease I moved back in with the family at Marsden. Still at this time I did not have my licence or
a car, so Dad came in handy with moving my things from place to place. They converted the garage into a bedroom for me, and for a while the family was back together again.
1997, and the biggest event I remember was watching the news that Princess Diana had been killed in a car accident in Paris. It stopped the world. I remember being
in the living room with my family and at first thinking it was a joke, but it hit me and for weeks, (and then into years), everyone kept talking about her and all that she meant to the
world.
Pop moved in after my Grandmother died from natural causes in hospital, he was showing signs of Alzheimer’s and became difficult to handle at times, but Mum and Dad
did not have the heart to send him off to a nursing home, so he stayed with us. I moved into the same room with Darrin, and Pop moved into my old room in the side garage with all of his
belongings. At night he would find himself lost and muttering to himself around the house, and some tension soon evolved again in the family because of the way things were happening to us.
CHAPTER TEN: ADVENTURES AND FLATMATES 1998
Darrin went into the army, and became Dad’s pride and joy. He then rented a flat with an old school friend, Anthony Stotschek and moved out with him, living at 6/42
Ewing Road Woodridge. Some time later in December 1997 Darrin asked me to move in with Anthony and himself because Anthony had broken up with his girlfriend Leeanne, (not my sister) and he said
there as extra room. So I agreed and on the second day of 1998 I moved out from the family home and into a flat at Woodridge. The moving thing was becoming common.
There was one great thing about living with a few guys, the freedom to do whatever you wanted to. But as with everything it came at a price, I found out I was
nominated indirectly to do the washing up and cleaning of the house, the other guys were just not that way inclined to clean up after themselves. It became monotonous for me. After a while,
Darrin then moved out for his own reasons and I was left with Anthony who then asked his brother Rodney to move in with us. A new cycle took place when Rodney agreed to move in and then he
quickly became my new best friend.
It was my continual and hopeless search for a companion that led me to invest in Rodney from the word ‘go’. We had a lot in common and that was great, but I was
getting tired of making friends and then losing them, this much I constantly shared with Rodney, who on occasions empathised with me and agreed to what I believed. I also met Luke Petersen while
working at McDonald’s, a very handsome young guy who also became a close friend, little did I know that he was to shape my future paths quite significantly.
Luke was engaged to his fiancée Alina, and they were very supportive Christians and took me on board because of my current hassles with family and life in general.
It was also a shock to find out that Luke was Justeen McGrath’s Step-brother, (it is indeed a very small world), and so I later became re-acquainted with Justeen again through going to a few
church services with them.
Back at the flat in Woodridge, I bought two Mexican walking fish as pets to keep us guys entertained in the lounge-room. Mum and Dad gave me a cat as a birthday
present, he was an orange and white striped kitten so I called him ‘Tiger’. Later on, Tiger ran away or got lost and I never saw him again, so when one of Lee-Anne’s friends found herself in a
situation where she had to get rid of an unwanted lost cat that happened to come along her way, I gladly put my hand up and took him in, he was a black/grey Persian mature cat with golden eyes,
so I named him ‘Casper’ after Casper the friendly ghost.
Mum and Dad moved house again, with Kelly and the two Pomeranian dogs they bought, Cindy and Rusty. They moved to Heritage Park near Browns Plains, obviously they
were not happy with the house and probably also because of the trouble that was created there, a new beginning might bring them better vibes for their relationship. Lee-Anne turned 18 and
received the remainder of her Trust fund, bought a boat for ‘Mum and Dad’, bought herself a house also out near Heritage Park, and of course a new car. She was set up, using and abusing that
money without having a job at all, so after also travelling overseas and having a shopping-spree holiday, the money soon all went. It was a tragedy that I saw coming, Lee-Anne used to be so
bright and I used to have a lot in common with her, but as soon as money came into play, it changed her completely. Darrin was still involved with the army, and came home some weekends, staying
at Mum’s and Dad’s house or bringing over his long-time girlfriend Nikki to Lee-Anne’s house. It was a pathetic family life forming around me, but it was about to get a whole lot worse.
Shannon Browning drove up from Sydney after Christmas 1998 to stay with me and take a holiday, so Anthony, Rodney and myself took him out, (with some other
friends), to Dreamworld and other places to keep him entertained, and we had a blast! Especially New Years’ Eve at South Bank watching the fireworks and generally just mucking up. Shannon had a
little fling with my sister Lee-Anne, who also enjoyed his company, and it was awkward somewhat for me to watch on as this developed, but it never went anywhere of real concern.
1998 was also the year I wrote a lot of poetry, usually to numb or release some of the pain that was building up because of family breakdown and dealing with
generally low self-esteem. I recorded each days’ major events into a diary, then usually accompanied a poem or two alongside every couple of days, in fact I wrote just over 100 poems that year,
which was a major achievement for me. Those poems were later compiled into The ‘Poets’ Chair’ Anthology which was recently updated and fully completed on floppy disk. Going over that material
again, I have a much deeper understanding of just how sad and desperate I was in 1998, but reflecting on years just after then, it was going to get a lot worse in many different areas.
CHAPTER ELEVEN: ALL THINGS COME TO AN END 1998
It was Christmas Eve 1998, there was a Christmas dinner with all the family and Aunty Colleen and Steve who recently got re-acquainted with Mum again after a few
years of silence, Mum started smoking, Darrin had a huge fight with her about the smoking and how stupid it was to take it up, Dad was becoming estranged with Mum again, there was a great deal
more tension in the family, then Christmas Day, Mum and Dad split up. A year later they filed for divorce and the family went their own separate ways. It was the real end of an era in my
life.
Then Anthony decided to move out from our flat at Woodridge, to live with his girlfriend Lisa, after they used our flat for ‘sleep-overs’, then deciding to go
deeper in commitment to each other by living together. I knew it would not last, and after a year and a half they split up. But for the time being it was just Rodney and myself living there. It
was fine at first until the lack of money made it harder to live, and Rodney made intentions to move back in with his parents, leaving me stranded and alone again. Out of sheer desperation for a
solution, I rang Mum and she decided to take me back in to her house. So I moved in there.
I was dying inside, and the meaning of my life was dying as well. I remember when I was younger having a playfulness and mystery about life, but now this negativity
was in front of me and I was not inspired, I was seeing nothing but pain and misery, and I was not happy again for a long time.
Living with Lee-Anne was okay for a little while, and my work at McDonald’s at Marsden kept going until I was asked by the store manager, Kylie Seipel, if I would
like to work at a new store being built at Grand Plaza, which was very much next door to where I was living at Lee-Anne’s house. I said ‘yes’ and there was transition of going from one store to
another, making it easy for me in regards to public transport and location. Lee-Anne took in Timmy our family cat, who by now was quite old, as her pet, while I still had Casper my Persian cat.
They got along alright after a while of hissing at each other. Lee-Anne became scarce going to University and then nightclubbing often, so when she was home she also wanted some privacy, and all
that in turn made the situation harder to cope with. This, I corresponded with Luke and Alina who were now becoming regular friends in my limited social circle, Rodney was becoming increasingly
harder to communicate with and socialize with because he was so committed to his work at Dominoes Pizza, (delivery driving), and Voith Hydraulics, plus new girlfriends were on and off the scene.
I was quickly losing another best friend, but at times Luke and Alina made up for that void in my life. I went out on outings to church every now and then, although I was weary of the whole
religion thing then, but willing to try something new because of the level of loneliness and depression in my life. This led to me becoming ‘born again’ as they say, yes I took a plunge because
there was nothing real happening to me anymore. It was during the night that I was to be baptised in holy water that another new direction was opened up for me.
CHAPTER TWELVE: THE SMELL OF HUMAN KINDNESS
1999
At that church service, a young lady by the name of Maria Aranas recognised me and later grabbed me after the service. At first I recognized her, but not where from
and what her name was. Maria was in the Logan City Junior Council as Junior Alderman Of Woodridge when I was in that council back in high school! Later on, Maria found out that I was not happy
with my current living situation, probably from Luke and Alina, so she organized accommodation with a church friend for me to move in with, his name was John, ( I forget his last name), so I left
Lee-Anne’s house, had a family from Maria’s church, the ‘Gordons’, help me move all of my belongings to John’s house and once again I was in a brand new world.
In March 1999 Luke and Alina were married, and I attended, watching on in awe at being at my first wedding, especially between two good friends. I wrote a poem and
read it out in front of everyone at their reception, it was titled ‘Luke And Alina’ and is included in The ‘Poet’s Chair’ Anthology. That was a great time for them and I was very happy and proud
of them both.
I was still working at the Grand Plaza McDonald’s, and it became a chore getting to work from where I was living then at Runcorn, but now I was attending Maria’s
church and getting involved in a positive way with them. Backing vocals during Sunday church service, sound mixing and setup, youth-leading to name a few. The church was drawing more and more of
my time, and I was aware of the road being laid out in front of me, and I had to be careful.
Often I had to walk from John’s house to church because he did not go to service, and it was about a 30 minute walk each way, putting further strain on myself.
After a while of walking and getting the occasional lift from other people at church, it was recommended that I move in with another church family, the same people who helped me move from
Lee-Anne’s house, the Gordons.
At this time, Lee-Anne and the rest of the family had nothing to do with me at all because of their own selfishness and lifestyles, so I took a deliberate silence
against them all until I became at least a lot more stable in my life. I moved in with the Gordons, getting deeper in religion and church involvement, all the time realising the push put on me to
realise everything was either ‘black or white’. It was becoming unbearable because I was having little time to myself, and I was shaking my head in disbelief at how I was having too much of a
good thing, that is positive and highly involving activites, run my life, but it was becoming too much in my life. I was still distraught over the family dissipation, but at the same time
building up some kind of new strong personality that would hopefully bring us all together again one day through acquired knowledge of how family systems are supposed to work, example being
living with the Gordon family. But the involvements and encouragement to do even more was becoming too strangling, so I decided to slow down and stop spending so much effort into the church and
concentrate more on myself for a while. I was observing the fact that I did not want to keep being subtly manipulated into doing things all the time for church and other people.
Christmas came around, an awkward time because it was to be one of those rare opportunities to see members of my family, Mum still remained as far disconnected from
everyone so I had no communication during that time, but Dad and his girlfriend / fiancée Cynthia decided to do the ‘family’ thing and have Christmas lunch at their house in Runcorn, so I went
along and spent some time with them, feeling awkward all the time, Darrin and Nikki came over and as usual Darrin and I have very brief and limited conversations usually concerning anything to do
with Star Wars or the movies.
Christmas also saw me get involved with the church play, an acting part was given for both Raymond and myself to play two teenage kids talking about God after a
game of basketball, or something along those lines because I really don’t want to dwell back and remember too much stuff from that time in the way of religion, but I will say that it was fun to
delve back into some acting after being away from it since working at Dreamworld a few years back. The Christmas play also saw me perform a religious song through voice, a solo song titled ‘We
Are The Reason’. This was to be kinda like a dream thing to happen because I would live out my fantasy of singing in front of a crowd of people, even if it were a song that I was not wholly
‘into’ because of my beliefs. The song went great and many people commented on that performance saying that I went really well. After that performance I was given more opportunities in vocal
performances through leading worship during the Sunday services at church, but it soon died down after realisation that I was simply not meant to be a singer even though I had the best intentions
because my voice just simply was not able to cope with much range or variety. That disappointed me a lot when that realisation came about.
More 'Wandering Shadow' available on request. Daily journal entries have been composed everyday since 2003. Click here to access My Journey (Journals).